Relationship Resource

written by Royce Adams

There's something terribly amiss about the statement, "You make or made me very angry" as there would be if you changed the last word(s) in the statement to any of the following emotions...happy, sad, upset. impatient, irritable ,bored, annoyed ,irritated etc etc... When you make any of the statement above you are literally telling the other person(s) that you have handed over them the power to "make" you feel something.....to yank your strings .You have relinquished your emotional integrity.


You made me feel
Unhappy.

Sad

Blue

Sick

Upset, blah, on and on, just take any feeling (to the point of absurdity) and blame or credit someone else for it wether they be Positive or Negative.

The same irrationality also applies to the sentiment of love as this popular old song opines that follows...

You made me love you I didn't wanna do it I didn't wanna do it

You made me love you and all the time you knew it I guess you always knew it

You made me happy sometimes you made me glad

But there were times when you made me feel so bad

You made me sigh cause I didn't wanna tell you I didn't wanna tell you

I need some love that's true yes I do indeed I do you know I do

Gimme gimme gimme gimme what I cry for

No one can make you love them. love is a choice. You either choose to love another(because to you they are lovable and you want to) or you choose not to.

It is not the role of Marriage to make you feel happy, it just makes you married. Your own personal happiness, your feelings are an inside job.



Save your Marriage-Save your Relationship


Indeed if someone else is "making you feel" anything then you have a poor sense of boundaries,for this is the real meaning of setting a boundary....the ability to know where the other person ends and where you begin. You have abdicated taking responsibility for your own feelings. At most the best others can do regard your feelings is influence you to a lesser or larger degree.

"YOU CAN ONLY MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH IF THEY FIRST SHARE YOUR SENSE OF hUMOUR"

Hey I have an idea (Says one half of a couple)...lets get married and then it will always be your job to



MAKE ME HAPPY"



Save your relationship
 from this relationship destroying game
Even when a partner perhaps does something that brings us joy, it is not that this is why "we feel joy" (Although their actions may be playing a part) it is because they are acting in a way that elicit agreeable pleasant feelings from inside ourselves and therefore adding to our overall sense of happiness, but what brings pleasure or displeaurs us is solely down to us and our thought on any given matter or action.

Two unhappy people who get married with the view that it will  make them happy will create unhappiness not a happy marriage".

Often the purpose of "you made me feel" statements are made to foster a feeling of guilt, to point the finger, to blame, or to stir up feelings of intimidation and to manipulate. We blame others for our reactions. This statement allows us to shirk the responsibility of controlling our responses and "makes" it easier for us to play the "victim" at the mercy and wiles of another. If we react to them, we feel justified in stating that our reaction to their statement was solely to defend ourselves, " you made me feel that way!". We often say our buttons are being pushed, our strings being pulled but who owns the buttons and string, you or they?, who ultimately decides what we happen in response to the button pushing and string pulling?. you are not a robot or a puppet.

"I want a Divorce, you don't meet needs......you ,you, you."

"You made me unhappy.....you, you, you, I want a divorce".

It is in our own betterment to acknowledge that the power to make us feel anything at all (and to what degree) emanates from within us. We are better served, in all our relationships, whether they be close or casual. All of us are better served when we learn to understand our emotions, acknowledge them and take responsibility for them and the outward expression of them.


 Act-don't react.

Every one of us needs to recognize it is we that we can the choose to feel what we do or don't want to feel and at worst feelings are transitory. Furthermore, we have the power and can choose to communicate our emotions more honestly to others without elaborations and without adding fiction to friction. Other people may say as they wish, and in truth some of, in fact sometimes a lot of what they say may stir up feelings within us or impact upon us in ways we do not like, but it is always within our power to feel what we want or choose to feel (Although of course it doesn’t often seem that way after a lifetime of habitual "reacting"). It is in all our best interest to recognize more accurately what we are feeling so we can choose to respond in a manner that is both respectful to others as well as ourselves and not give way to the hair trigger easy option of becoming reactive and going with the first thing we feel or is evoked in us.

"No one can take our power away from us, unless we choose to give it away". "Stick and stones may break my bones...but names will never hurt me"(and they wont unless you give credence to the names you have been called yourself).

It is important to know that if others seem to be trying to take our power, it is often because they feeling a sense of vulnerability or threatened. We have a choice to manipulate their vulnerability , or we can try to understand what it is they are feeling, to be curious and respond in a manner that remains respectful. (it must be said that sometimes depending on the situation, anger may be the best emotion to respond with). Everyone can use their power to choose to feel their own emotions wisely, not to become defensive, make rationalizations and denials.

Be Empowered and Liberated... Personal Efficacy.

When you respond in a way that is respectful of, polite and in a caring, curious manner for others and not react to "button pushing " and further validate their feelings and their right to have those feelings, of anger, sadness, hurt and so on then you are living an empowered and liberated life. You are becoming "emotionally intelligent"... Teaching kids from a very early age to become the masters over what they feel and not to externalize blame and to " react" whilst still paying respectful due regard to the sensibilities and sensitivities of others, will lead to much better relationship all round.

OR TO LOOK AT IT ANOTHER WAY....It's your life and you are to blame....

 To Join our Save you marriage Forum.. ..CLICK HERE

 Do you know that just about every outcome in your life is down to you (and for the want of a better word) is your "fault", you are to blame.... Holding yourself at fault gives you a tremendous power and this most people will never have. Why is this so? Well they will be still looking for outside others and events to blame, to externalize and it gets circular....But because you accept what transpires as being your " fault", then the "what is" has come about because of some action you did or didn't take.( you should not turn this into a beat yourself up session)...You are not blaming externalities. You have control over your own actions. Therefore, you control your own outcomes. If everything is your "fault", if you take total 100% responsibility for your life then you have total control over what you make of your life.

 This is the attitude of successful people...business, private and in marriage.

 If your partner he or she, has left you, and you accept that what happened is your fault.

 If she or he has cheated on you and you accept that what happened is your fault.

 And if you accept that it's all your fault, based on your actions, then you can take actions that lead to your future successes, which are all your "fault" too!

 "True success is your fault"...

 "Make things you want to happen, happen".

 In the most seemingly hopeless of situations, when all appears beyond your control ,go back and analyze each step that led to the event and you'll find a place where you could have changed the outcome. File this away for the future and this knowledge will aid you in turning round a same or similar situation in the future...you will have control over the outcome.

Written by Royce Adams:

Psychological, emotional, financial,  physical   

Many of the effects of divorce on men can be devastating yet a few are contradictory and may even prove to be beneficial. A lot depends on how the divorce is handled, For instance in one Swedish researchers studying 'the effects of divorce on men' found that men's physical condition improved after divorce...this may be due to the fact that as men begin dating again they are more concerned with external appearances and want to look as attractive as they can in their efforts to find a new mate or it may be a "make over" in an attempt to win back their estranged wife having "let themselves go" during the marriage. The gym can become a popular place and can also effect an immediate ego boost,a lift in self esteem due to increase in "feel good chemicals" such as dopamine which also is heightened through physical exercise..

Divorce has implications for a man's health

One challenging effect of divorce on men is for men to be are less prepared domestically apart from all the other potential effects..i.e cooking,washing ironing...men will skip meals or eat them on the run,eat far less fruit and vegatebles in favor of readily available and easy obtained junk food.

Often a man's emotional state can interfere with his employment and wage earning ability.

Some men also become estranged from their children particulary if their former wife has a new partner.and a man can be become alienated form his children as he will often be considered an "outsider" or part time parent in these changed circumstances.

What was your your goal for using a search engine to look up the "effects of divorce on men?"??Has there been a a breakdown in your marriage and you are facing a divorce,instigated either by your spouse or by you and you are being affected and impacted badly by it?..If so is there something now you want to achieve now?

Stress

 Divorce(unwanted or otherwise) can have implications for a man's health,is divorce looming in your life?,have you and your partner recently separated or are about to?...is it that you are having having trouble handling it and adjusting?..Maybe the Psychological emotional financial physical effects have been greater than you first anticipated (one of the effects of divorce, unwanted or otherwise is stress even though you may not notice it much, in much the same way a reconciliation is stressful See: related Social Readjustment Rating Scale(Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe).

in the form of separation anxiety can lead to dangerous increases in blood pressure(particulary if combined with a lax diet, and risky drinking and smoking habits) as well as unbridled anger which can be tha catalyst for

heart disease

It may be if the divorce is not your choice that you are feeling revengeful,possibly even suicidal,in a rage( thought driven rage and fury can bring about Apoplexy (an old fashioned term for  a stroked induce -internal bleeding). You may even be contemplating hurting or committing harm,(or perhaps you have become 'depressed'( which often is anger directed at yourself) maybe you are  drinking alcohol in excess and indulging in other very risky behaviors)..if so you may need to telephone a crisis hotline and discuss how you are feeling and what is happening for you with a trained empathetic crisis Intervention Counselor (lifeline maintain a national numbers in most parts of the world) (as the very first choice) or engage with a empathetic family member as a second....whatever you do you should not leave these feelings to fester....now is not the time for 'stoicism' acting the strong silent type or a festering rage because what you are feeling can very well get out of hand without a some kind of intervention.....

General interest or research aside,what is it that you were hoping to find out if anything?.

"From crisis comes opportunity"

when a marriage it brought to the brink of divorce it offers a perfect opportunity to hone your marriage and relating skills and set you up to build a marriage based on real honest friendship,companionship and open intimacy the kind of relationship many women crave...regardless of whether you stay married to your current partner or re-marry it will benefit you.

"It Only Takes One to Get the Ball Rolling"(saving your marriage on your own)©

Going through a divorce is never easy for anybody, however, there are certain effects of a failed marriage that occurs more often with men, than with women( although women too can be affected the same way but usually have more solid support networks) and many men often ruin any chance of saving the marriage by the way they react either by deliberate bloody minded  intent and or as more often is the case inadvertently,unknowingly because of not not having strong enough relating skills to effect a amicable divorce let alone possible reconciliation..Men generally have better chance of reconciling with a soon to be ex-wife than they or the public and "conventional wisdom" give credit ...if men would only just get help fast when they need it...but in the way of most men who'd leave off going to the doctor if they weren't pushed by their partners(yes female partners often fulfill this role and is what men call "nagging") or matters become far to big to simply ignore they shy away.

"Men often ignore things that they really shouldn't until such time it becomes too little-too late"

When a marriage is about to be dissolved, emotions often run high in men, and a lot of important financial decisions as well as emotional ones have to be made. Out of control emotions and anger usually sets the stage for disaster. As a general rule: Never mix emotions(particularly anger) and finances, or emotions and legal matters of divorce. Decision made during the emotional turmoil and upheaval of divorce are likely to be bad one over the long run. How the financial matters are handled can greatly influence the whole process and often be the deciding factor in whether a divorce is going to become a battlefield with no prisoner taken,total destruction,a blitzkrieg or handled well amicably and may even cause a a rethink in their partner and called off!

Rationality and maturity are attractive qualities and a far better way to resolve issues concerning a soon to be or possible divorce... Sometimes however it will be that a divorce is unavoidable, but even then it is far better to try to make the legal and financial matters strictly apart from the emotional matters and your feeling for your partner, even if it tears you up inside, the alternative is a prolonged, quite often very painful, expensive battle(and keep in mind that you wont stop seeing your ex partner if you intend being a part of you children's lives) that in many cases will make long lasting emotional scars on both sides,and worse yet the children of the marriage who get to witness this hostile scenario, and prevent chances of a future

reconciliation and saving the marriage
What to do when the Disaster of divorce threatens to strikes?
When faced with divorce or the threat of divorce, a lot of men choose to let their ego and wallet control their actions, and ruin any chance of an amicable settlement and even worse make the process so much more hurtful for everyone involved that any chance of a potential reconciliation a chance to save the marriage later on is greatly diminished but more often lost totally, in walks the lawyers and then the show is no longer in the hands of the ones involved and a fierce battle is about to ensue.

Are you thinking about giving your marriage one last do or die effort?

YES?

How did it get so bad? Well as long as the relationship was doing fine, nobody was thinking about who owned what and who brought what into the relationship, in fact everything became shared property, unless a prenuptial agreement was made. Then most men make the mistake of thinking that they can get through a divorce without losing any assets, especially if they're not the ones filing for the divorce, and then their egos and wallets block any kind of compromise. How often have you heard the words: "€œShe chose to walk out on our marriage, so why should I give her a penny!".. If you think like that you will push your wife to seek a lawyer, and then you will have to retain a lawyer yourself (and so begins the cycle) and that will only result in a more expensive divorce, than just an equal settlement.

Avoid devastating Divorce

 A lot depends on how the divorce is handled,and if handled well men can avoid devastating divorce.

The only sure way of avoiding to loss of assets in case of a divorce is to have a prenuptial agreement before the marriage, but since most people don't have this, the best tactic is to be fair and go for an equal solutions. Don't get greedy – you will most likely lose more than expected when lawyers gets into the act, and that is even discounting their fees.

Another tactic that is also very common, is to try to hurt your spouse financially as indicated above, this is often done as a revenge tactic on the other party, as they are perceived as the one responsible for the emotional roller coaster ride of the situation.

Avoid Lawyers at All Costs

lawyers make the effect of divorce far worse

 Financial

When divorce or the threat of divorce enters the marriage, most people look to lawyers to settle the cases. This is in most cases the single most damaging thing they can do, unless there simply are no other viable solutions!,the majority of lawyers upon taking a case have their own narrow agendas

Once the lawyers enters the picture, whatever remains of love and even goodwill between the parties too often flies out the window, and often a long financial and emotional battle ensues, one that scars many couples for the rest of their lives, and leaves ill feelings between them. What most people fail to realize is that there is only one winner in this scenario, and that is the lawyers. Any win you think you have will often prove later to be a hollow victory indeed. Lawyers know that finances and emotions don't mix, and thus they play the spouses on the basis on their emotions, dragging out the settlements, sometimes making outrageous charges against the opponent in order to get a better deal. Naturally the lawyers are defending their position, by claiming that they only have their clients' full rights in mind, but are dragging the settlement, charging per hour they're working on the case, and the end the settlement that is reached won't be much different from one that the spouses could have worked out themselves, or through mediation.

NOTE: An exception to the rule about not getting lawyers involved is to use them solely to get information about your rights and applicable laws in case you suspect that you are being treated unfairly by your spouse.

Has the worst happened and your spouse has or is about to move out and leave you? Has she given you the speech already and wants a divorce but this is not what you want? Is she involved with someone else?...are you prepared to honestly admit that what you have been doing is not working because in fact you can see that your part in the drama is making matters worse?.Do you want to do something about it that really works right now and give yourself and your marriage fighting chance??...Do you even know what you can do about it or where to begin??...then read on... The vast majority of men who try to effect a reconciliation with their spouse will fail and become another divorce statistic.....

why?

Well most men will use time honored but useless methods based on "conventional wisdom" from a male perspective.....they will use advice from friends /family and from what they see in the movies etc as their guidance...or worse still their "gut instincts" this rarely works because it is based on fundamental flaws...the flaws of not understanding relationships and human nature and most importantly by not having a concrete and consistent workable plan and path to follow...trying to save your marriage is a not the time for self righteousness,blaming or indignation or grandstanding.

Even if man is lucky enough he might,effect a reconciliation by these "fly by the seat of the pants" methods he will probably at best effect(if he is very lucky) a "premature reconciliation". Premature reconciliations are to be avoided at all costs because ultimately they will end the relationship permanently...

A man needs the help and guidance of a specialist,and not from the typical "tell me how you feel"..."i hear where you are coming from" type of Person Centered Counselor/Therapist or "Marriage Guidance Counselor"...it is almost a certain that a client "feels freaking awful"..the client is not there to waffle on about how they feel but to take action with the help of the counselor and his skills and knowledge... not merely to have the counselor / therapist to "listen"(and worse yet almost nod off to sleep) and make a few obligatory "mmmmmm I see" and "how awful that must be for you. This is a complete waste of your time and money and you might as well talk to your backyard fence...This will not give you even the slimmest chance of saving your marriage (your wife will at best think that she at least doesn't have to listen to your "poor me" and your whining and maybe now you'll leave her alone) he need to help find action orientated steps to turn the clients situation around in the shortest time possible (notwithstanding what the client"feels"....feeling awful,hopeless,helpless and not coping well is a given).

A action orientated solution focused specialist will help put together an Action Plan via goal setting for the client and keep them on track during the critical post bomb periods(after all said and done they have walked down this path before with others)....More damage can be done to a relationship during the early pre divorces stage than at any other time during the course of the relationship. If you are thinking about hanging in there and giving it one last shot then you will find that

I can help you..do yourself a favor now and men need more support and need to help themselves more Combine the book with material and exercises that you will find in the Relationship Articles from Royce Forum...and also get my direct input and guidance with your situation.....