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Messages - Cardigirl

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Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with

« on: December 04, 2015, 11:14:27 am »

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Yesterday she threatened to leave (again), I said I love her and don't want her to but she needs to do what she needs to do, she didn't leave and has said she loves me too.. I think we love each other very much but for some reason its falling apart. From her side it seems that she is pressing a self destruct button and creating situations where it will all go wrong even though that isn't what she wants. I don't think anybody has been there for her in the past and she finds it hard to let go and trust.

It does sound as if she is so very unhappy about herself, she has to destroy everything around her. She lashes out at you because you are close at hand. I am sorry. This is a difficult position to be in. I would reiterate that you suggest counseling for her. And if she will not go, then go for yourself.

Working with someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation can be a way to open someone's eyes to the truth of what their behaviour is like. Everyone operates from a viewpoint of they are right and others need to fall in line with them, and when that doesn't happen they get frustrated. She's upset with herself over a number of things, and doesn't have the coping skills to find a way to deal with them.

Desiring children and being very challenged in the conception area is a HUGE thing, and I would think some of your doctors who are working with you on this would be able to suggest counselors for her.

I am sorry, it must be very difficult to live like this, not knowing when you're going to upset her. I hope that you will seek some professional help in changing up your "dance."

Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with

« on: December 01, 2015, 01:43:03 pm »

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes people fall into patterns and don't realize that they are constantly criticizing someone. To them it's just conversation. No excuse, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's not consciously being mean to you. If she is doing this as a form of retaliation or out of anger, then to me it's abuse.

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Two important points to remember are that criticism is often made at a time when a person is angry, hostile, or upset. At other times it occurs when an individual has been reminded of something in their own life which represents an area of weakness, inadequacy, or basic fear. Rather than admit this to themselves, they often project their fears or inadequacies on others in the form of derogatory remarks, sarcasm, or critical comments. Understanding this motivation, the receiver can see there is not real basis for the criticism. And should not take it upon themselves to believe that they are doing everything wrong.

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What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

By threatening to leave you, she was trying to control you and hoped that you would acquiesce to what she was arguing with you about. When you told her that you wouldn't stop her, she decided that you were heartless, never realizing that threatening to leave someone is about as heartless as you can get.

I would definitely try to find a professional to talk to about this situation. You feel there is still a lot of good left in the relationship, and a therapist may be able to help you find ways to change up the pattern you find yourself in with your wife. At the very least, it would give you another point of view that is not based on whatever your wife is going through.

Hope you're okay and will post and let us know what is going on.

Off-topic Chit-chat.. / Re: World Series 2015

« on: October 26, 2015, 02:03:17 pm »

I guess I will root for the winner now. LOL. I was hoping the Cubs could finally make it to the World Series, but the Mets were just too good. As much baseball as I didn't watch this year, I could root for either the Mets or the Royals. Hope it's a good series.

And why is it so late in the year? This could possibly finish in November!