Relationship Resource

Thank you for responding, it is so important for me right now.

So what precipitated the event was that I had just woken up and found my wife watching TV in bed I said good morning went to the bathroom came back and I didn't want to disturb her as she had the headphones on so as not to bother me with the sound. I lay back down and waited till she finished,  I heard her put the headphones down she lay there for a bit I turned around to face her and she I guess waited for me to hug her? but instead she immediately got up and said " you never hug me " I said I always hug you and am very affectionate to you and gave her some examples of when I do. She got very defensive and that upset me, now understand that I have not gotten upset with her since we have been back together although she has given me reasons to be.

She proceeded to berate me and started to curse badly something I found to be so disrespectful, I was shocked to hear what was coming out of her mouth. In our past when we argued that was one of the peeves I had that she would curse at me to hurt my feeling knowing how much I disliked being curse at. But to hear it after what and how far we have gotten in our relationship it was really bad. Yes I was upset and raised my voice for the first time since being together.

She asked me to lower my voice and I did but then she responded with " thats right shut your f'n mouth and zip it,  now go f yourself " I was like wow. So at that point I just basically just ignored her, trying to diffuse the heated situation. After some time she asked me to leave. I said this was impossible I have no place to go. She stood her ground.

I know I left out some other details but one that sticks out was that her cousin had came in from Europe with the intention of living with my wife not knowing that my wife and I were back and living together. Now this cousin had the nerve to leave her 2yr and 4 month old daughters with her American husband and her Albanian mother to watch over so she can come to NY and find a job where my wife works in the UN.. Sought of like in a mission, they get temp jobs with the hopes of getting something permanent. I know this weighed heavy on my wife because we discussed the situation and saw her upset that she couldn't help her.

I noticed that my wife was kind of being pressured from her family who lives in Boston plus her daughter from a previous marriage pressuring her about me ( she was against her mother being involved with me again only because she wanted her mom only for her on her beckon call ( that's what my wife told me ) I'm sorry I am trying to put it all in but the pressure was there never the less.. I saw the pressure but maintained an understanding and supportive attitude. I have always supported my wife's decisions when it came to her family. ( maybe it was my downfall? ) not sure....

All I know that once her cousin arrived all things started to change. I remember one night her cousin asked her out for a drink ( my wife invited me but I declined so that she could spend some alone time with her, just me being understanding ) When my wife got back she told me the truth or one of the main reasons why she ( her cousin ) came to NY.  I was shocked to hear that she ( cousin ) was tired of her husband ( kids father ) and needed a rest, a break??( she left 2 babies there??!! )  that all they did was argue, sometimes when he was nice she was good and when it wasn't so nice she hated him. That was upsetting to say the least but it is what it is.  I was not the only who was upset over her situation and the pressure she was putting on my wife.  I do remember that night telling my wife that thank God we are very happy together and know how to compliment each other,  she then hugged and kissed me and said how much she loved me. This is why I am having trouble understanding why this happened to us. I don't want to say that her cousin, family and daughter influenced her but my wife is at times vulnerable when it comes to appearances and opinions, Very much so....

What I meant when I said she made me move out of my apartment, she knew how much I sacrificed to get that apartment when we had first broken up. I lost everything, my job, pension, my credit went down the tubes and literarily was in the street. I worked my self up again, I went to therapy, got in shape changed my whole life around. New attitude but the main, main reason I was able to do all this was with the help of Mr. Royce Adams, you see I was not on the forum,  I worked directly with Royce on a weekly basis - he is directly responsible for my whole outlook and changes I made in life. I don't think I would ever meet someone like that man, may he rest in peace. He gave me his all and for that I am truly grateful. I was able to to win back my wife's love and maintained it throughout until this episode.

Please believe me when I tell you this was the greatest time of our lives together, ever. She would constantly tell me so. I know that she has to be having second thoughts about her hasty move and I am hoping that she in time would like to be with me once again - as you can see I still do love her and am willing to forgive her and not hold it against her. I am not getting in touch with her but as I stated in my opening letter to you She did for the first time texted me. Please give me your opinion and share your thoughts. Should I reach out to her or wait?  sorry I am lost here, I feel like I'm starting all over again.

Hello, Never thought I would come to join a forum to discuss my intimate and painful experience I am going through now. You see my wife asked me to leave her apartment after making me move in with her. I had been separated from her for about 3+ years but during that time I had time to make changes in my life and accept some of the things that bothered me during our marriage. I was able to win her heart back after going through some extensive one on one meetings with Mr. Royce Adams may he rest in peace.

At the time he always told me that " she is not going anywhere and that although she stated that she does not love you anymore she is not going anywhere but if she does not get help you will be back to square one " She did promise me that she would seek some guidance but never happened. I must say that for almost a whole year we had the greatest relationship ever largely due to my changes and acceptance. There was no arguing just loving and lots of laughter. I was in heaven. She even managed to purchase a motorcycle to ride with me during this past summer.

We discussed buying a house together, we were actually very involved working through a real estate agent in locating a house in Queens ( we lived in Manhattan ).... We really had good conversations about a bright future together.
I am just confused as to what happened, I don't know why..

I don't want to use the excuse that my wife is going through that stage in life that women go through but I was always been supportive and understanding. We would get through this together. But on March 13th she got up angry from bed and started to argue with me. I was taken aback and tried to diffuse the situation but she was not having it. She asked me to leave and if I didn't she would. I tried to give her space so she can calm down but to no avail. She refused to sleep with me and slept in the living room couch.

A week went by with no talking only to ask me when I was leaving. I told her that I have no place to go , I left everything behind and all I had was the street. My PC was at her place and she knew that that was important for me because of the type of work I do. She proceeded to disconnect the WiFi and modem and return the cable boxes. At that point I asked my daughter who is just recently had a baby to move in until I find a place to live. She said ok but knowing that was going to be hard on us both. My wife did not care and stood her ground...

It's been over a month since the episode and I have not been in touch with her only in the very beginning to ask for some of my immediate belongings. ( still have my belongings there )  I have been doing the no contact rule since and lo and behold this past weekend I received two text messages asking me If I can help her in taking care of her bike?  then on Sunday she texted me again asking me what year was my bike because there has been a recall on all 2014 Harley Davidsons? What? I don't get it? She also told me she is not going to file for a divorce after last month telling me she would so I can " continue with her health insurance " I am confused and don't have a Royce anymore to guide and help me understand these mixed signals i am receiving.

Anyone please if you have seen or heard someone that has gone through this before please shed some light on me. I want to say that I do still love my wife but not sure if I should move on or I still have a chance. Please ask me any questions and I will be more than happy to answer you. Please help....

Thank you

Hi all!  Was thinking of the old RRR recently.  Came across some folks going through the early stages of marriage difficulties, cheating, and splits.  Was sorry to see the that RRR was gone.  I did see there was reference to a FB page.  Where could I find that?

I truly appreciate all of the support and advice I got there.  My son and I are doing well.  He's now a Soph in high school.  I finally finished my second run through college.  Not working at present.  Needed to help out my folks and take care of some other things.  Hoping to finally get a teaching job soon.

I'll be back soon to check in.  Hope everyone is well.

Yesterday she threatened to leave (again), I said I love her and don't want her to but she needs to do what she needs to do, she didn't leave and has said she loves me too.. I think we love each other very much but for some reason its falling apart. From her side it seems that she is pressing a self destruct button and creating situations where it will all go wrong even though that isn't what she wants. I don't think anybody has been there for her in the past and she finds it hard to let go and trust.

It does sound as if she is so very unhappy about herself, she has to destroy everything around her.  She lashes out at you because you are close at hand.  I am sorry.  This is a difficult position to be in.  I would reiterate that you suggest counseling for her.  And if she will not go, then go for yourself. 

Working with someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation can be a way to open someone's eyes to the truth of what their behaviour is like.  Everyone operates from a viewpoint of they are right and others need to fall in line with them, and when that doesn't happen they get frustrated.  She's upset with herself over a number of things, and doesn't have the coping skills to find a way to deal with them.

Desiring children and being very challenged in the conception area is a HUGE thing, and I would think some of your doctors who are working with you on this would be able to suggest counselors for her.

I am sorry, it must be very difficult to live like this, not knowing when you're going to upset her.    I hope that you will seek some professional help in changing up your "dance."

Hi,
Thank you so much for the responses.

Things have been up and down but blew up again over the last couple of days. One where we were sat eating and everything was good until I was given a strange disproving look and when I asked that the only answer I could get was "because". Whatever that meant , I don't know but it caused and argument where I said it was unfair and I didn't like those games. Hence another night watching tv alone.

Yesterday's started because I took out the rubbish (trash) and left the door open for two seconds. It really annoyed her that I let in some cold (it was really 2 seconds) and it got blown out of proportion.

She will admit she is hard to live with but she is actually a lovely woman apart from this. We are coming up to our second anniversary and have argued on and off over things like this. After my previous marriage I won't take aimless criticism so maybe I'm a bit stubborn.

She is quite pessimistic since losing her brother 20 odd years ago and thinks things turn bad. I am generally optimistic and think things will eventually work out which she calls naive.

We have had some heartache and have been told that my wife cannot have children though IVF may help us. We have three failed IVF attempts so far and may try again though hope and money is wearing thin. She blames herself and feels guilty that she is denying me children. She has at times said to find someone else that can. I have always wanted children but believe this is a problem we are in together and if we can't then I am with her whatever. I don't see it as she is infertile but we are as a couple. She is really hurting over this though and see's no reason for life or no future without children. She is very close to cracking and has said she wants to die which scares the fife out of me.

She say's I don't listen, I switch off to the criticism but try and listen to the hurt though I think she believes its just her that is hurting. Its hard to listen when everything is so negative and generally based around bad things I am supposedly doing. I came home from work and within 20 minutes had been pulled up on at least 10 things. Eventually, I snapped and argued back with poorly timed wit and sarcasm which I know doesn't help.

She feels I don't love her and that she is wanted but it is actually her that is pushing me away and I retaliate by withdrawing. How do I show I'm there but also refuse to take the criticism. If I argue back she says I am being horrid but surely I can make my case but also need to trad so carefully in her fragile state.

Yesterday she threatened to leave (again), I said I love her and don't want her to but she needs to do what she needs to do, she didn't leave and has said she loves me too.. I think we love each other very much but for some reason its falling apart. From her side it seems that she is pressing a self destruct button and creating situations where it will all go wrong even though that isn't what she wants. I don't think anybody has been there for her in the past and she finds it hard to let go and trust.

She is a very nice person and what I say above makes it sound as if that isn't the case. I think she is in a bad place at the moment but I don't quite know how to fix it all.

Thanks for listening and your comments. I think we can make it but my Wife can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.