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31
Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by Cardigirl on December 01, 2015, 01:43:03 pm »
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.  Sometimes people fall into patterns and don't realize that they are constantly criticizing someone. To them it's just conversation.  No excuse, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's not consciously being mean to you.  If she is doing this as a form of retaliation or out of anger, then to me it's abuse. 

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Two important points to remember are that criticism is often made at a time when a person is angry, hostile, or upset. At other times it occurs when an individual has been reminded of something in their own life which represents an area of weakness, inadequacy, or basic fear. Rather than admit this to themselves, they often project their fears or inadequacies on others in the form of derogatory remarks, sarcasm, or critical comments. Understanding this motivation, the receiver can see there is not real basis for the criticism. And should not take it upon themselves to believe that they are doing everything wrong.

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What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

By threatening to leave you, she was trying to control you and hoped that you would acquiesce to what she was arguing with you about. When you told her that you wouldn't stop her, she decided that you were heartless, never realizing that threatening to leave someone is about as heartless as you can get.

I would definitely try to find a professional to talk to about this situation.  You feel there is still a lot of good left in the relationship, and a therapist may be able to help you find ways to change up the pattern you find yourself in with your wife.  At the very least, it would give you another point of view that is not based on whatever your wife is going through.

Hope you're okay and will post and let us know what is going on.

32
Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by genaro on November 28, 2015, 08:46:31 am »
Welcome back! Sorry to hear about your current sitch.

It is tough being constantly criticized. I think you threw her for a loop when you said you wouldn't stop her from leaving.

Certainly, reach out and let her know how you feel when she does that. Hopefully, she will get the message.

Don't forget the BSLI!
33
Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by Gloria on November 27, 2015, 09:08:40 pm »
Really tough situation! Is she OCD in other areas of her life? It must be exhausting hearing how to behave constantly!

Welcome to the new board. Hope we can help!
34
Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by Echo on November 27, 2015, 03:55:29 pm »
HI

Was she like this before? If not what is going on in her life that is bringing her stress that she has no control over?  I ask because I can be that way in relationships and it usually isn't the guys fault.

xox
Echo
35
Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by Dharmabum on November 27, 2015, 03:38:09 pm »
my friend, it sounds like you have married my first wife....i left her because my self esteem was in the toilet and i couldn't stand it any more. i would suggest counseling, but when we tried that, it turned into an indictment of what a bad person i was because of my childhood. but you may be able to find someone who can help you.

that said, there's nothing that you can do to make her change. i think that you need to decide how much is worth putting up with. draw a line in the sand. you don't sound happy, and neither does she. everything that you said is her issue, not yours. there's something going on with her that makes her lash out at you like that.

so, i think that you need to communicate how you feel about the constant criticism. you can't keep it bottled up. or if you've done that, seek professional help...lay it on the line that things have got to change. because in the end, you have to take care of yourself and your own emotional well being...

Db
36
Newcomers / Re: Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by arborite on November 26, 2015, 11:10:18 pm »
Welcome back to the boards... despite wishing it were under different circumstances.  That sounds like a very unpleasant situation to be in… how long have the two of you known each other, and how long have you been married?  Sounds like there are no children involved?

Unfortunately, I’ll have a somewhat biased opinion given my previous 2-1/2 yr relationship was with an abusive woman ... so you’d have to take what I say with several grains of salt.  Hopefully some of the others will chime in... but it is thanksgiving weekend in the US I believe...

I’ve become somewhat sensitive to continuous criticisms and belittling...  and a lot of what you describe seems pretty petty.  The way your tie your shoes, or use the fork and knife?  Seriously?   In my honest opinion (IMHO) it seems it’s more a statement about where your R is at… than those items being deal breakers...

Tell us more about the R itself, how you met, what you two have been through, previous R experiences… etc…
ARb
37
Newcomers / Old timer back but plenty to work with
« Last post by Fixit2015 on November 26, 2015, 08:19:14 am »
Hi,
I am a returning member from Royce's relationship recourse. I wasn't able to save my marriage but the forum and advice really helped me with building my own self esteem and to get through that period.

Thankfully I moved on and have remarried. My wife is a lovely person in most ways but we are hitting some troubles and I was hoping for some advice. Basically, she constantly criticises me with a number of things which I believe are unfair. Its adding a real strain on our relationship. Some of the things are based upon who I am and I don't think I need to change. Daily, I get criticised a number of times on the following:

1. The way I stand and how my posture makes me look. This has never been an issue before for anyone else and I am  happy with how I stand. This is a bug bear though and I will be to;d at least five or six times how I stand or walk.

2. How I eat. Not what I eat but how I use my knife and fork as well as how I put the food in my mouth. I have asked some other people about this and they can't believe that I would be pulled up on this as I am generally well mannered. My Wife does have an issue in general with how people eat though and picks out a lot of her friends habits.

3. How I talk. My wife is well spoken and where as I am reasonably educated I do have a regional accent and drop my H's a little but I work in a responsible role where if I were to talk badly I would be pulled up at work. I always talked how I do and haven't changed. Why is it a problem now.

4. Constant criticism of how I do household chores. I don't make the bed properly, I don't clean the bathroom properly, I don't load the dishwasher to her specific instructions or hoover the house properly.

5. There are also silly, things. We had an argument about how I tie my shoe laces. Apparently I will snap them for pulling them tight and she tried to show me how to do it. This is so patronising as I have been doing them for 37 years.

6. She wants me to take control of situations but won't let me do anything without watching over me and telling me her way is best. Surely if the end result is that dishes are clean then both ways of doing it are right and it doesn't matter if I do them my way.

She constantly thinks I don't listen and I must admit I've got to the stage where I switch off as its constant complaining and making me feel useless. She say's that she has to take the blame for all of our arguments and I don't take responsibility. I do say things I shouldn't and my patience is so much thinner now but it is normally in reaction to the constant criticism. This is an example of an argument yesterday.

Basically a couple of weeks ago my wife showed me a Christmas wreath for our front door. Coming up the stairs last night she said have you seen the wreath. I said yes to which she replied no you haven't. I returned that I had two weeks ago and she said I am lying as she had made some changes to it by adding some red berries. I admitted not noticing this and said sorry. She accused me of trying to get out of the fact that I said I'd seen it when I hadn't and was making it her fault. I said no, I had seen it but didn't notice the changes so I am not lying and its a harmless mistake. No one is to blame. That caused her to lose the plot a little and give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night. To be honest, I don't really have a strong opinion on the Wreath, its nice she has made/amended one and I appreciate she is trying to make a nice home for us I just don't get the reason to argue.

She is though a lovely person and will do anything for her friends and for me. She sees a certain duty in being a wife and makes my lunches etc. To the point where she won't let me do it. We do generally get on though the last few months have been extremely stressful for us both. At the moment there is a lot of love but we are being tested. She threatened to leave and I said I didn't want her too but that it is her choice and I wouldn't stop her. She was crying and said I was bereft of emotion (I tend to withdrawl if I am faced with being hurt).

Anyway, I won't write too much more at the moment but wanted to see if anybody could help with how I move forward from here.

Thanks


38
Newcomers / Message to those who are new to this forum, as well as the old veterans…
« Last post by arborite on November 11, 2015, 06:13:27 pm »
Message to those who are new to this forum, as well as the old veterans…

Veterans: If you are a veteran from the old forum, and are coming back to swap stories, tell us where you are at, and the great things life has brought to you… message one of the admins, and we will give you access to the veterans forum.   

Newcomers:  If you are new to this forum,  start a new thread in here… we are here to help you along.  Tell us what has brought you here, what is going on, vent, ask for advice, or whatever help you can use in dealing with your current situation.  I can assure you that the veterans are quite knowledgeable, active, and helpful.  Obviously we don’t get a lot of traffic in the newcomer’s forum since the demise of the original site and the passing of its founder, Royce Adams… but his knowledge lives on in his articles, original eBook, and the life experiences of us veterans, that he helped over the years.

ARb
39
Off-topic Chit-chat.. / Re: World Series 2015
« Last post by Cardigirl on October 26, 2015, 02:03:17 pm »
I guess I will root for the winner now.  LOL.  I was hoping the Cubs could finally make it to the World Series, but the Mets were just too good.  As much baseball as I didn't watch this year, I could root for either the Mets or the Royals.  Hope it's a good series. 

And why is it so late in the year?  This could possibly finish in November!
40
Relationship Articles from Royce / Re: Triune Brain
« Last post by arborite on October 24, 2015, 09:25:01 pm »
The old brain

The reptilian and the limbic brain combine to make up  "the old brain"

 



And it includes the amygdala, which is important in the association of events with emotion, and the hippocampus, which is active in converting information into long term memory and in memory recall. Repeated use of specialized nerve networks in the hippocampus enhances memory storage, so this structure is involved in learning from both commonplace experiences and deliberate study. However, it is not necessary to retain every bit of information one learns. Some neuroscientists believe that the hippocampus helps select which memories are stored, perhaps by attaching an "emotion marker" to some events so that they are likely to be recalled. The amygdala comes into play in situations that arouse feelings such as fear, pity, anger, or outrage. Damage to the amygdala can abolish an emotion-charged memory. Because the limbic system links emotions with behavior, it serves to inhibit the R-complex and its preference for ritualistic, habitual ways of responding.

The limbic system is also involved in primal activities related to food and sex, particularly having to do with our sense of smell and bonding needs, and activities related to expression and mediation of emotions and feelings, including emotions linked to attachment. These protective, loving feelings become increasingly complex as the limbic system and the "new brain" neocortex link up.

The Amygdala

A primeval almond-shaped neuro arousal center,deep within the limbic system originating in early fishes and is central to the expression of negative emotions in man, involved in producing and responding to nonverbal signs of anger, avoidance, defensiveness, and fear. This small mass of gray matter inspires aversive cues, such as the freeze reaction, sweaty palms, and the tense-mouth display.

 


 

Many gestures reflect the amygdala's turmoil. In an anxious meeting, e.g., we may unconsciously flex our arms, lean away, or angle away from colleagues who upset us. Lip, neck, and shoulder muscles may tense as the amygdala activates brain-stem circuits designed to produce protective facial expressions e.g., TENSE-MOUTH and protective postures e.g., BOW and CROUCH. The amygdala also prompts releases of adrenaline and other hormones into the blood stream, thus stepping-up an avoider's response and disrupting the control of rational thought.

"The amygdala coordinates the actions of the autonomic and endocrine systems and is involved in emotions" (Kelly and Dodd 1991:277).

2. The amygdala may be part of a "general-purpose defense response control network" (LeDoux 1996:158).

3. "Unpleasant odours . . . activate the amygdala and the cortex in the temporal lobe (insula)" (Carter 1998:114).

Neuro notes. In addition to its other duties, the amygdala's gray matter evolved to mediate the evolutionary ancient chemical nervous system, represented today by our bloodstream. Working through the hypothalamus, the amygdala releases excitatory hormones into circulating blood. After surgical removal of the amygdala, growls, screams, angry voices, and other negative signs may lose their meaning and become incomprehensible as afferent cues.

Getting back in control....emotinal mastery


There is an old Japanese story about a belligerent samurai who once challenged a zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell but the zen master replied with scorn......"You're nothing but a lout, I cant waste my time with th likes of you"....His very honour attacked the samurai flew into a rage and pulling his sword from it's scabbard and yelled...

"I could kill you for your impertinence".

"That" the monk calmly replied,"is hell".

Startled at seeing the truth of what the master had pointed out about the fury that had him in it's grip the bushido warrior calmed down, sheaved his sword and bowed and thanked the monk for his insight.

"And that" said the zen master "is heaven".

The sudden awakening of the bushi to his own agitated state illustrates the crucial difference between being caught up in a "feeling" and becoming aware that your a being swept away by it...

The Socrates injunction..."Know thy self" speaks to this keystone of emotional intelligence (and the control of ones own emotions)....awareness of one's own feelings as they occur, self awareness in the sense of an ongoing attention to ones internal state....


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